took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
