apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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