All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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