thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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