the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When did angry sex become our thing?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
