Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
