i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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