If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
