you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
