Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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