btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
