I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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