My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
