Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
