took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
