If i come over, it means nothing
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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