he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
