For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
