mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
why is half of my head shaved?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize