My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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