Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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