the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
