why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
COCAINE IS GR8
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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