You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
