im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
