WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
