Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
