this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
4 words: hood of his car
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
