Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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