smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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