she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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