I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
