U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
