I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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