Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
pray to the hookup gods
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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