shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Pants are for mortals
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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