I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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