i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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