We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
