I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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