Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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