my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
