why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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