He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm at about main and main street
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
