so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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