I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
