I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
