Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
