Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize