Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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