my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont even know how to be here
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
