ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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