i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
