i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
