how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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