my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
